As 2017 begins and people are either starting New Year’s Resolutions or trying to avoid them, I am working on reflecting and resetting as I try to do every Sunday.
2016 was filled with one change after another, some good, many not so good.
My personal experience of the past year involved a great deal of loss and sadness. In the spring, my wife and I left jobs we loved in a city we loved leaving behind friends we loved and relied on for support. Summer we traveled around the country to visit family and too soon learned we would have to say good-bye to her incredible mom. As fall began, deep in the muddy waters of grief, my grandmother died after living a full life of 102 1/2 years. Finally, winter brought the death of my companion of 18 years, my cat Leah.
I admit that I don’t really want to reflect on the last year too deeply, it’s just too painful. I know that I need to if I want to move forward because a big part of the last year has also been spent on plans for the future. Plans that include the hope of new life.
I’ve struggled with the decision to put my personal life and feelings out in the world on this public blog. I feel more vulnerable and open to criticism and I decided to do it anyway because I feel compelled to express myself this way. I’ve spent my whole life holding back because I worry what people will think of me.
I started This Queer Femme because I wanted to push myself toward something that scared me and still felt right in my heart. I am one of those people who is ruled by the ever fickle heart. I know it sounds cheesy, and I am okay with that!
My heart has known three things completely and wholly. First, it knew that I would never be truly happy unless I was with a woman. Second, it knew that my wife Di was “the one” even if it wasn’t always crystal clear. Third, it has always told me I will be a mom.
I will be attempting to get pregnant through insemination this year and I don’t have a clue how it will actually turn out. In my wishing and hopeful mind, I see a healthy baby (or babies!) and Diana and I become moms along with running thriving creative businesses.
The events of this last year have forced me to learn how important it is to acknowledge the brutal truth: no matter what you want to happen there will always be ups and downs you didn’t anticipate or plan for. There will definitely be many moments of uncertainty and fear because that is the natural rhythm of life.
It is precious and quick, awful and beautiful. Always uncertain.
My intention for 2017 is to share bits and pieces of this journey to queer parenthood. It feels more important than ever to document something that has only become the “new normal” in recent years. I am grateful that future generations will not know a time that didn’t include queer families just as my generation has with interracial marriage.