You Can’t Have the Beautiful Without the Ugly.

After my 10th negative pregnancy test, I reread my last blog post dated January 8.  After almost a year, these words I wrote then strike a chord with me as I have come to a new phase of this journey:

‘There will definitely be many moments of uncertainty and fear because that is the natural rhythm of life.

It is precious and quick, awful and beautiful. Always uncertain.’

Over the last 11 months, I have grown spiritually, emotionally and physically in different ways. Trying to get pregnant at 38 as a queer woman with bipolar disorder has not been easy or particularly fun, but it has shown me I am capable of great strength and patience when I quiet my mind and follow my intuition and my heart.

It also hasn’t helped my anxiety and stress to be living during a time of such chaos and upheaval in our world and our country. I’ve had to turn inward and focus on myself while also trying to stay present with what is going on in the outside world. I manage to engage when I feel I can and then there are times I have to tune out or I start to feel I am going numb from the constant injustice, death, tragedy, pain, and suffering that feels amplified over this last year.

More than anything else I’ve discovered myself on a spiritual journey and it has helped me find some inner calm to see beauty amidst the ugliness. As an Empath (this result hit the nail on the head for me!), I feel things more deeply than some and with my form of bipolar disorder, I get too up when things are good and fall too low when things are bad. I used to feel it was “all or nothing” and you couldn’t have the good with the bad. It had to be one or the other.

My ex used to say to me, “You can’t have the beautiful without the ugly.” It would drive me crazy because I just didn’t want the ugly anymore. I struggled to see any beauty, only darkness. This was what depression is for me. Feeling bathed in darkness and unable to find any light.

During a Qigong class recently my teacher explained the concept of yin and yang, a concept I learned years ago and had forgotten the significance. There is always a little bit of light within the dark and a little dark within the light. There is never one without the other. This concept makes sense to me and helps me to see that it will never be all bad, even if it feels that way sometimes.

I have come to the decision that part of my #ttcjourney is over. I will give my body a break and enjoy the beauty that is the family I have and the love and support of amazing friends. Life finally feels calm after a year and a half of personal upheaval and I will revel in that calm for a while longer. My wife, Diana will be going next to see if she has better luck. The good within the bad in this case is the perk of having two uteruses in the relationship!

I will have to find other ways to experience the beauty and joy of meeting our child(ren) through my wife and it will be another exercise in patience and trust that things will always work out somehow and we will always have the beauty within the ugly.
I will try to share more as I can. One thing that has helped me tremendously is to read other family’s accounts of their stories thus far. There are so many of us going through the same roller coaster ride that is trying to conceive, start a family, adopt or even foster. None of us are alone.

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