You Can’t Have the Beautiful Without the Ugly.

After my 10th negative pregnancy test, I reread my last blog post dated January 8.  After almost a year, these words I wrote then strike a chord with me as I have come to a new phase of this journey:

‘There will definitely be many moments of uncertainty and fear because that is the natural rhythm of life.

It is precious and quick, awful and beautiful. Always uncertain.’

Over the last 11 months, I have grown spiritually, emotionally and physically in different ways. Trying to get pregnant at 38 as a queer woman with bipolar disorder has not been easy or particularly fun, but it has shown me I am capable of great strength and patience when I quiet my mind and follow my intuition and my heart.

It also hasn’t helped my anxiety and stress to be living during a time of such chaos and upheaval in our world and our country. I’ve had to turn inward and focus on myself while also trying to stay present with what is going on in the outside world. I manage to engage when I feel I can and then there are times I have to tune out or I start to feel I am going numb from the constant injustice, death, tragedy, pain, and suffering that feels amplified over this last year.

More than anything else I’ve discovered myself on a spiritual journey and it has helped me find some inner calm to see beauty amidst the ugliness. As an Empath (this result hit the nail on the head for me!), I feel things more deeply than some and with my form of bipolar disorder, I get too up when things are good and fall too low when things are bad. I used to feel it was “all or nothing” and you couldn’t have the good with the bad. It had to be one or the other.

My ex used to say to me, “You can’t have the beautiful without the ugly.” It would drive me crazy because I just didn’t want the ugly anymore. I struggled to see any beauty, only darkness. This was what depression is for me. Feeling bathed in darkness and unable to find any light.

During a Qigong class recently my teacher explained the concept of yin and yang, a concept I learned years ago and had forgotten the significance. There is always a little bit of light within the dark and a little dark within the light. There is never one without the other. This concept makes sense to me and helps me to see that it will never be all bad, even if it feels that way sometimes.

I have come to the decision that part of my #ttcjourney is over. I will give my body a break and enjoy the beauty that is the family I have and the love and support of amazing friends. Life finally feels calm after a year and a half of personal upheaval and I will revel in that calm for a while longer. My wife, Diana will be going next to see if she has better luck. The good within the bad in this case is the perk of having two uteruses in the relationship!

I will have to find other ways to experience the beauty and joy of meeting our child(ren) through my wife and it will be another exercise in patience and trust that things will always work out somehow and we will always have the beauty within the ugly.
I will try to share more as I can. One thing that has helped me tremendously is to read other family’s accounts of their stories thus far. There are so many of us going through the same roller coaster ride that is trying to conceive, start a family, adopt or even foster. None of us are alone.
XO,
KT
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My new life in Jersey

My main motivation for starting this blog was to get more comfortable with putting my writing out into the world. I started a novel in 2012 that I am now working on again, after abandoning the project to make and sell jewelry through Katie Wood Jewelry. While it was fun to make interesting pieces out of found objects, at one point even using bees, moths, and butterfly wings; my heart is always pulling me toward my lifetime goal of writing a novel and becoming a writer. I’ve been continually dissuaded from focusing on this goal by a lack of confidence that I can be successful, as well as a fear of judgement, and of course, the big one–how to make a sustainable income.

My wife and I have been given the incredible opportunity to start out fresh and reinvent ourselves, something I have attempted to do for years. This time, though, we don’t have the constant stress of making rent payments each month…and when the projected income, according to SmartAsset’s recent study shows that you need to make over $216,000 to rent a two-bedroom in San Francisco, even doctors and lawyers I know are struggling to make ends meet. http://m.sfgate.com/news/article/Here-s-what-you-need-to-make-to-afford-rent-in-7709356.php

Needless to say, as I’m figuring out what I’m doing, my blog posts will hopefully evolve to keep reflecting this transition in my life.

I was inspired this past Saturday on a day trip with friends to New York City and Brooklyn, which takes us about an hour from where we are in New Jersey.

We met for brunch at Perla (http://www.perlanyc.com) in the West Village, an adorable corner cafe that felt like it could be at home in multiple SF neighborhoods, like Cole Valley, Valencia St., or North Beach. Lovely decor, clean and modern with a rustic vibe. Super friendly staff, and delicious food.

We walked around the Village after, and though it felt more like a fall day in the city rather than spring, I didn’t mind as the crisp air was also refreshing. One of the girls is getting married in November, so we convinced her to go to this fabulous wedding and vintage dress shop, that we would have missed completely if not for the wedding dress hanging overhead on the railing of a fire escape off the second floor of a nondescript brownstone. The NY SHAREEN and Shareen bridal location is in addition to her 7,000 square foot space in Los Angeles that is her original store. (http://shareen.com/shareen-bridal/)

As soon as we walked into the store/apartment, we were greeted by a diminutive, child-like creature who introduced herself as Cat, with an equally child-like voice that she later described as creepy. We assumed that she was the owner until we met Shareen herself, a woman I can only describe as confident, cool and effortless, wearing a black, sheer, tailored vintage blouse and loose black pants with converse sneakers. Shareen told us that she used to be an actor and public speaker, and when I asked her how she got into this business, she answered simply, “by the Grace of God”. She went on to tell us about her story, and I could write pages on the intense and fascinating conversation that ensued, with all of us rapt at her conviction and eloquent and honest speaking style.

So, I will end this post to be continued, as I have lots of thoughts on this subject that I’m sure will take up more than one post.

I hope you enjoyed reading and have a fun and sun-filled Memorial weekend!

KT